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Ongoing Thoughts 66:
By William E. Steinman:
June 22, 2009:
Last One:
Last week, I suspended my weekly notes column. At that
time, I promised a more complete explanation of the why of this thing. This
essay, which will be the final posting of Ongoing Thoughts, will be that
explanation. The simple fact is my personal situation makes it impossible for
me to continue.
There is a great deal of work that must
be done to maintain an active website. Most of the work, in fact is
done behind the façade. This is just one more of the things that I am
not managing well anymore. I wish I could. I write, because I like to do it,
but I have simply lost the necessary energy to continue. Too many things are
happening all at once and I cannot seem to keep up. I have had to decide what
is best for me because I cannot do everything I would like to do. Old age and
its accompanying infirmities have taken their toll on my system.
My number one priority is taking care of myself. Maintaining
myself, my family and friends and my home will be my
full time task. It is taking everything I have in me to do that. If in the
future when I manage to recover my physical functionality, I may be able to
do more. At this time, recover has become my prime goal. If I cannot do that,
I will be unable to do anything for anyone else. What is wrong with me is
still under investigation from the perspective of my doctor. However, with my
intimate knowledge of my own condition I am sure of the cause. I have lost energy,
I have lost strength, and my sense of balance is gone. Without those, I have
become physically dysfunctional.
These symptoms are much too familiar to me. They indicate
a buildup of calcium in my spine. That calcium buildup is called arthritis.
When it occurs inside the spine, it pinches the spinal column and interferes
with the communication between the brain and the rest of the body. The victim
becomes dysfunctional. My doctor has sent me to specialists in an attempt to
confirm my diagnosis. It did not make him particularly happy to have me
making the diagnosis, before he had investigated, but he is a doctor and he
rose above that feeling.
The first specialist was a neurologist, a very good one
known to Mrs. Gaffer and me. He told us what we both already knew. My hands
and fingers do not work very well. I knew that because I drop things too
often. He confirmed it by running electrical signals through my arms. He said
it was carpal tunnel syndrome (CTS). Of course, the symptoms matched that
problem. In the old days of typewriters, it was called secretaries wrist for
obvious reasons. Now it often happens to people who use computers a lot. I’m sure I have that, but I am also sure it is not
the prime cause. The problem with the CTS theory in this case is it does not
explain my loss of balance or strength.
The next step was to schedule a Magnetic resonance imaging
(MRI) of my spine.
I went through that a few days ago. In case you have never
been through that procedure, it does cause problems for some people who are
claustrophobic. I am not, but they do have valium for those who are. I use
valium as a sleeping pill sometimes when I am stressed, but in a very small
dose. The other thing about the MRI is the noise. It sounds like a
combination of a machine gun and a poorly tuned gasoline engine.
The MRI confirmed my suspicions, but my doctor does not
make mistakes. He touches all the bases. He scheduled two more tests, an
echocardiogram and a CAT scan of my brain. The CAT scan may show that I have
limited mental capability, but that is a birth defect. It is unrelated to
this current problem. When all the data is in, I am sure he will send me to a
neurosurgeon.
I am convinced that the neurosurgeon will recommend a
cervical laminectomy. The reason I am so familiar with the symptoms is I went
through all of this once before, about 20 years ago. The same investigations
were done and when all the results were in the recommended procedure was a
cervical laminectomy. I went through that at Ford
Hospital in Detroit,
MI. That was beyond doubt the most
painful physical experience of my life. I have had experiences more painful
on my emotional rollercoaster of losing loved ones to the grim reaper, but
that is another story. My greatest hope at this time is they will have better
tools and techniques by now.
Of course, it matters not. If they do or do not have
better procedures and tools, my decision will be the same. I will go through
it because I'd rather be dead then crippled. If I don't have the surgery, I will be crippled, I am almost
there already. There are too many simple things I cannot do,
like put on my own socks. Thank Minerva for Mrs. Gaffer. She does it for me
along with many other things.
One of the most difficult things for me, always the doer,
is the need to pay others to do those things I once enjoyed doing myself.
Once again, thank Minerva that I was able to find a helpful handyman. Bob listens to me and does it my way. To be
sure, sometimes my way is wrong and he has to do it over again, but we figure
it out together and he does it. Enough of that.
Assuming I will once again overcome this physical challenge, I may be able to
write again. I may be able to do many things again, but for now, it's the old wait and see game.
My second priority for now will be doing all I can to care
for my family and friends. Like many young people in this economic situation,
my children are perpetually in need of help. To be sure, part of it is a
result of their own errors. Still they are flesh of
my flesh and I will care for them as I can. Don’t
tell me that kids should be taking care of their parents in the golden years.
I have already heard that theory, but like a lot of that nonsense, it comes
from an “Over the Rainbow” space warp that does not exist in this
world.
In large part, I blame our government for failing to deal
properly with all of the crooks and financial bunglers in America.
I can also place part of he blame on myself for not preparing my kids for
this debacle. In that sense, I was no better prepared than our government
was. That is kind of embarrassing for me to have to
admit that I am as dumb as our leaders in some areas.
I had placed a lot of hope in Obama, but I see now that he
is just another politician. He has already bought into too many con games. He
has become a major tragic disappointment for me. Perhaps I will not live long
enough to learn better. As the old Kraut said, “Too
soon olt und too late schmard.”
In the meantime, I continue on as best I can. Wish
me luck. If you never hear from me again, it will be because I did not beat
the odds this time.
Willie Gaffer, AKA William E. Steinman.
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