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Ongoing Thoughts 23:
By William E. Steinman:
August 25, 2008:
My Renaissance:
When I reported my emotional state recently and discussed
my loss of energy, I had attributed that dramatic decline to my loss of
visual perception and my physical degeneration. I was also able to blame part
of the collapse on an auto accident I had at the time. Recently, the final
step in my degeneration came when I lost my balance, fell down on my deck,
and really wrecked my arm, shoulder, and elbow. I had bruises and swelling and
it seemed to be not healing. I was almost ready to adjust to a life of
limited activity.
For several days, I could not do anything physical. That
was when I took time to pause and reevaluate. When I did, I was stunned by my own evasion of reality. I concluded the
things I had attributed to cause were really effects. Physical degeneration
and loss of will were effects and vision loss had nothing to do with them. I
finally realize it was the complete rejection of my recent book, “A
Place to Stand,” that caused the emotional
collapse, not any other thing. That was the truth I had
evaded. It is also likely that my physical degeneration was an effect
of my emotional state, not a cause. It was a manifestation of a loss of will.
I knew, when I wrote this book, that it would
be rejected. It was not accepted by anyone,
but I knew that would happen. However, the intellectual knowledge is not the
same as the experience. I don’t know how many
times I will have to relearn that. The intellectual concept and the experience
are totally different things. When it happened, I
was unprepared for the emotional hit. It staggered me and kept my down for a
considerable time. I was very depressed, but now I am experiencing a
renaissance of spirit, imagination, and will. In addition, my arm is
beginning to heal.
After thinking things through, I began rereading my book,
“A Place to
Stand.” I was trying to determine the exact cause of the objections to
the book. One of the objections I did hear is that my book is too complicated
and the reader did not understand it. That is bull. The problem is, it is not
complicated at all, but it is difficult because it presents concepts that are
impossible for most people to accept and swallow. It goes against all our
basic religious indoctrination, and the truth of it is frightening. It is
much easier to set the book aside than it is to consider the inconsistencies
and contradictions in what we choose to believe.
Education and intellect are not relevant here. People who
call themselves engineers and scientists have just as many deeply rooted
prejudices, foibles, myths, and stupidities as any of the rest of us. They
will consistently refuse to accept evidence that disagrees with their
treasured beliefs.
Another complaint I have heard about the book is it is not
interesting. I’m not sure what kind of
interesting this person was looking for. I agree I am not writing Travis
McGee adventure stories. The book was intended to be
a wake up call, almost a slap in the face. I intended to do a serious critique
of our American culture and that is what I produced. It was
not meant to be kind or interesting. My point is we have the potential
to be a great people. Why aren’t we?
About reading the book, besides Mrs. Gaffer, only one
person who has it may actually have read it and I am not sure he did. A
couple of others claim to have read it, but I know they did not. That becomes
clear when I have discussions with them. I cannot get anyone to talk directly
about the book. They will talk over or around it, but not about it.
Therefore, I can only surmise based on other conversations. My best guess is
that of those who claim to have read it, most of them stalled about the same
place. That is somewhere within or near the end of the first part of the
book. That is where I discuss the myths, which most people treasure as
revealed truth.
In that discussion, I make a frontal assault on all of
these treasured childhood dreams. There is a big daddy somewhere who will take care of us. We never really die. Somewhere
there is a mythical place called heaven where we will live on forever. A guy named Jesus died to pay for our sins. All we have to
do is believe that to be saved. Four of the original
disciples wrote the gospels, and so on. Where I stand on all of that is the
same place that Nietzsche stood. It is a very lonely place. There is no
safety net. God is dead. There is not big daddy or heaven. We are all alone.
I believe the biggest objection to my book might be that I
am suggesting we actually experience our consciousness of the infinite
universe rather than intellectualize it. We all accept the intellectual
concept of infinity, but to experience it emotionally, would terrify us.
Meditation will allow us to open through our soul-self to super
consciousness. In that state, we will experience God Awareness where
everything is one and the emotional concept of infinity is upon us. We will
truly see the universe as infinite and a single unified flow. Most people
will resist that experience vigorously.
I still remember the first time I contemplated the concept
of infinity. I was in my early teens and a schoolteacher had discussed the
concept of infinity. She brushed it off having intellectualized it years ago.
As far as I can remember, all the other students followed her example. I
could not. Like many people, I cannot leave things alone. I have to meddle
with them and somehow make them familiar. I had to get a handle on that
concept and I struggled with it for hours. Finally, late that night, I went
outside, looked at the sky, and opened my mind to the idea. I looked at the
stars and then beyond the stars at the black space behind them. I thought
about how deep that space was and then I got it and I was terrified. That was
as close as I ever came to emotionally induced dysentery.
Until that day, my whole world had been a world of limits
and boundaries. To be sure, I tested those limits frequently as any kid
would, but I always found them. Sometimes the finding was a painful
experience, but the limit was there. Then, very suddenly, there were no
limits or boundaries. I crept back into bed, but it was many nights before I
got a decent night’s sleep after that. I experienced it and though I
usually deal with the idea of infinity as an abstract mathematical concept, I
have never completely lost the memory of that experience. For an instant on
that night, I was special. Now I am not.
I am still working to recover that. Your intellect will
carry you to a certain point of understanding in meditation. To go beyond
that, you must just let go of it. You must let go of the intellectualization
and let go of the descriptive words. You must accept the oneness of the
universe. You must just open to the infinite universe and let the experience
of infinity occur. That is what I did on that special night decades ago when
I was just a kid, and it terrified me. Now I have to throw off a big pile of
baggage to get there again. When I do, I will be less terrified this time
because I will be prepared for the reality — I
hope.
For now, I am coming back. I feel the energy coming back.
Once again I am planning things and thinking about
what I will do. I am going to build my smokehouse. I am going to pay other
people to do things for me. I have always been hung up
on doing things myself. Now I must break the mold. I must assign tasks and
trust others to do what they promise.
I have other things to do. I have three books now in the
making. I have “Willie Gaffer with Crazy Louie, Life is to
Laugh,” “The Evolution of Democracy,” and “Recipes,
The Gaffer’s Collection.” I am going to start on those. These all
have the advantage that they are already written in
draft and essay form. I must simply repurpose them. The Born Again Christians
can move over. They have nothing on me. Here I come.
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