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Back to the Forum Archives This came up because I recently got to be on the other side of the fence, so to speak. Normally, through all of my disabilities Mrs. Gaffer has been my caregiver. She stood by me through it all. Recently, however, she has undergone some major surgery of her own. This is the classic case of the foo being on the other shuot. I am suddenly called upon to be a caregiver. Until now, I have tended to think of my wife as somewhat like and iron horse who would always be there. She might occasionally get a sniffle, but it would go away in a day or so. She just doesn't have bad days. She was always there doing things for me and doing other things that made our home run well. I had no idea how many things until she wasn't there doing them. At first I was really selfish about her problems because all I could think of was being alone. I thought of how my life would be without her. I realized there would be no life. Everything I used to think mattered, suddenly did not. None of the struggle would be worth it. Of course, at my age, I know of others who have suffered the loss of a loved one. I have noticed one interesting thing about this. In the case where a man lost his wife, the man simply curled up and died a short time later. Not so for the women. They mourned the loss then went on with life. From that, I conclude that women are stronger than men. This is not a judgement of anyone. This is just the way it is for me. The fact is, men need someone to take care of them emotionally and women don't. I am given to wonder if that is inherent or conditioned. I don't think it is conditioned. I simply believe that women are less emotionally dependent than men. They are inherently stronger. When we knew she would need surgery I worried a lot about my wife, but the doctors were sure she would come through it fine and she did. After that, my biggest fear was that I would not be up to doing for her what she did for me. I feared I would not be an adequate caregiver. In fact, I turned out to be a very adequate caregiver. In addition we both learned from this ordeal. What I learned is I can be a caregiver when necessary. I may not be up to the standards of a professional, but I am caring and supportive. What she learned might be of more significance. She learned how very, very frustrating it is to be disabled and dependent on the good will of others. My wife spent her entire professional career as a registered nurse. Until now, she had never been a patient. Then, all of a sudden, she was on the outside looking in. I think she was much more chagrin than she lets on when she saw things from the perspective of the patient. The medical staff persons can pretend to themselves that their non-emotional demeanor comes over to the patient as a professional attitude. What too often comes over is the impression of a uncaring cavalier attitude. In all of my ordeals I was very lucky. I always had one ally on the inside. My wife was my advocate who could not be bowled over or BSed by the medical staff. She knew the language and the procedures as well as the doctors. To be sure, my wife had allies on the inside too. Though retired for a time, she still knows some of the insiders. Even so she got a real sense of how a patient can very quickly start feeling like a victim. One interesting thing is my wife saw it after there has been enormous improvement in the caregiver patient relationship, at least where she was. I found that the system at Genesys in Grand Blank, MI. is dramatically different than what I suffered at Ford Hospital in Detroit. Perhaps the entire system has changed since I was a victim. I noticed that the attitude of the staff was much more solicitous toward the patient. My wife never had to wait for pain medication. She got it as soon as she asked. I can remember my situation at Ford Hospital. When I pressed the nurse button, too often there was no response at all. Often when I called for pain medication the response would be, "You're not due yet. Ask us again in half an hour." Then, when I called a half hour later, they would say okay. Then, an hour or more later someone would show up with the medication. This did not happen just once. It was a regular occurrence. I still wonder what happened to the medication that was prescribed for me that I never received. I felt, in fact, like a victim of a very uncaring system. I'm sure that a large part of this poor treatment was caused by the Health Menacing Organization's (HMO) control of the system. With HMO's in charge accountants were making life and death medical decisions. HMO clerks ordered highly skilled surgeons and other medical staff around like day laborers. The really shocking thing is, the medical people accepted it. There should have been a massive revolution, but it never occurred. When the revolution finally came it was from the patients/victims
screaming at Washington. I think it really began to change when
Mrs. Clinton threw a scare into the monsters who run the health
insurance companies with her talk of nationalized health care.
That was a good thing that may have to be repeated on a regular
basis. It's too bad, most of my problems came before that threat.
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