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Imaginary People:
By William E. Steinman:
July 28, 2003:
I am almost afraid to confess this. You see, I talk to imaginary
people when I am thinking. Occasionally, I have been caught talking
out loud.
My wife will say, "What?"
Then I must mumble something like, "Oh, I was just babbling.
Forget it."
What really happens is this.
I will be planning to do something and I am trying to clarify
the points or procedure in my mind. To do that, I explain my
steps to an imaginary person. I will visualize someone who may
want to know and talk to them. In fact, I give them questions
to ask. Then I formulate answers. I prefer to visualize women
in this process, because they are usually better listeners. Too
often, the men I visualize will interrupt me when I'm on a roll.
Most men do not suffer long soliloquies easily. They try to get
ahead of me.
With my more cooperative imaginary female person, it may go
like this.
I am preparing to assemble a new table for our deck. This
is difficult for me because the table top is stone and weighs
considerably more than I can lift.
My imaginary person, knowing my physical infirmity may ask, "How
are you going to manage that?"
I answer, "We'll it's obvious I cannot use brute force so
I must play the engineer and apply a little finesse here."
"I thought finesse was something you did in bridge."
"Indeed," I agree. "That is one example. Finesse
means to apply a deceptive or evasive strategy with the goal
of minimizing cost or effort."
"Oh," she says, so you will play the engineer by finessing
this task?"
"Yes." I answer. "I think an engineer might apply
the principles of the basic machines to this task."
"The four basic machines?"
I don't like to contradict people, so I am a little careful at
this point.
"Well, some people claim there are four basic machines.
Some will even argue for five. I will not argue, but I prefer
to think there are just three with variations."
"Just three?"
"Yes. We have the wheel, the incline plane, and the lever."
"What about the screw?" she demands.
"If you think about, my dear, you can see that the screw
is simply an incline plane wrapped around a shaft."
"So it's really just a combination of two machines, a long
skinny wheel and an incline plane," she surmises.
"Indeed."
"I see, William. Then, what is this fifth machine? I don't
recall that one."
"Well, some folks argue for the wheel and axle."
But that's just a combination of two wheels."
"Right on, my love."
"Okay. Now, how will you get that table top out of your
truck to apply all of this cleverness?"
She has noticed that I had brought the table home in my pickup.
The table top is lying flat on the bed. If I just try to slide
it off the tailgate, it will probably fall to the ground. For
sure, the pieces will be a bit easier to pick up than the whole
top.
"I think I will back the truck up to my deck," I answer.
"The deck is lower than the tailgate, but not too much.
Then I can let the table top be a lever and the edge of my tailgate
be the fulcrum. I can lever the top off of the truck onto the
deck and keep it standing on edge. Then, since the top is round,
it becomes a wheel and I can roll it to where I will assemble
it."
And so it goes. After a time of imaginary conversation and
using the principles of the lever and the wheel, my table is
assembled and in place. Then, of course, I invite my imaginary
friend to sit down and have an imaginary beer and cigar with
me. I, of course, have a real bear and cigar. I have earned it.
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