|
Back to the Forum Archives
Doctor Maud Duration:
By Willie Gaffer:
April 4, 2005:
Recently, a neighbor of mine got interested in an Eastern
religion called Buddhism and he was most enthusiastic about it.
In fact, he became a bit of a problem for me. I'm sure many of
my readers have encountered the new convert evangelist problem.
While the person is in this evangelistic mode, it is difficult
to communicate with him. Whatever the subject, he will invariably
turn the conversation to his newfound emotional treasure.
After a while, I got a bit tired of his enthusiasm, so I decided
to look into his new religion. I have found one weapon against
this kind of behavior is to become more knowledgeable in the
subject than the adversary. Once you begin to lecture him about
his own subject, he will quickly lose interest and stop evangelizing.
With that in mind, I decided to consult an old friend to fill
me in. My friend is that notorious expert on Buddhism Dr. Maud
Duration.
I gave the good doctor a call and she invited me to meet her
at one of our favorite institutes of higher learning, the Shady
Side Tavern. Of course, since I was the student, it would be
my treat. At the appointed time, I came in and picked up four
Heineken's from the bar before I slid into her booth. I pushed
two bottles across the table as I did. Of course she took a long
pull before she spoke.
"Damn that's good," she said as she set the bottle
down.
I smiled and nodded.
"Well Willie," she queried, "what's up?"
"Well, Doctor Duration, I need to learn about Buddhism,"
I replied.
"Hey," she said. "Call me Maud, Willie. We been
friends a long time."
"Okay, Maud," I smiled.
"Why, all of a sudden, do you need to learn about this crap?"
she demanded.
"I got this neighbor. His name is Louie, and he got converted.
Now he's beating me over the head with it," I lamented.
"Ha," she grimaced. "I know the type. Hoffer calls
them true believers. They gotta have something to believe, but
it don't matter what. They change religions as often as most
people change hairstyles."
"Yeah," I agreed. "You got him pegged alright."
"So, ask me questions," she urged.
"Okay, I'll start simple cause I don't know. What the heck
is Buddhism?"
"Well, Willie, the Buddhists will give you all kinds of
long winded bologna, but it's really just another religion."
"Just another religion?" I spluttered. "What is
all his babbling about four noble truths and eightfold path and
stuff like that?"
"That's what it is, Willie, just babbling about stuff like
that. It's just the window dressing that makes a religion sound
special."
"The four noble truths are just window dressing?" I
blurted.
"Sure Willie. It's just simple things dressed up in fancy
words. Did he tell you what they are?"
I hesitated. He had told me alright, but I had forgot.
"It seemed real complicated," I said defensively.
"Sure, Willie. It seems complicate the way they lay it out,
but you should listen. It's no different than what you learned
in Sunday school."
"No kidding?" I gasped.
"No kidding, Willie. Listen to the four noble truths. It's
like a tone poem. Listen!
"Existence is suffering,
"The cause of suffering is desire,
"There is a cessation of suffering, called nirvana
"And there is a path leading to the end of suffering,
"The eightfold noble path.
"Count em, that's four."
"Yeah, I pondered. That's something like what Louie said,
but how is that the same as Sunday school?"
"Think about it Willie. Tell me how it's different from,
"You are born a suffering sinner,
"Sin is the desire of the flesh,
"Christ will take up your burden when you accept him,
"There is an end of suffering in heaven,
"You can get to heaven by following Christ."
"Holy crap," I blurted, "It is the same!"
"Sure Willie. If a religion's gonna hook people, it has
to have the same elements as all the others."
"Which are?" I challenged.
What we just said, Willie," she replied.
"Life is a bitch,
"You can't make it alone,
"Life can be good,
There is a way to get better,
"Just follow these rules."
Holy crap," I whispered.
"Yeah," Maud said. "Ain't it slick?"
"Simple and slick," I whispered.
Maud smiled at me.
"What about the eightfold noble path? I suppose it's what
I learned in Sunday school too?"
Muad smiled again. "I'll tell you the eightfold noble path
and you tell me if it's the same," she challenged.
"You're on," I grinned.
Okay, Willie, here it is,
Right views, right resolve right speech, right action, right
livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration."
I pondered that a few minutes while Maud quietly sipped her beer.
Suddenly my inner light went on.
"I got it," I exulted. "It's like a paraphrase
summary of the Ten Commandments and the Beatitudes mixed together."
"That's good, Willie. That's damn good."
I couldn't help it. I puffed up a bit as I went for four more
Heinekens.
"Now," she said as I sat down. "Do you really
want to get this guy off your back, really burn him down?"
"for sure," I agreed.
"Okay, Willie. Here's what you do. Dig out your old Catechism.
You still got it don't you?"
She had me. All I could do was blush. I hate to throw old things
away, even afer I have outgrown them. It's some kind of childish
nostalgia I guess.
"Okay then, just read through it again. You remember most
of it. We never forget that stuff that's been drilled into us
like that."
"For sure," I agreed.
"Now, when this bozo starts to harangue you about Buddhism,
you match him line for line with the same phrases from your Catechism.
I promise you, he'll get burned in a hurry when you show him
his jewels are as common as cow dung."
I couldn't help myself. I began to giggle. It was my initial
idea with a twist. Instead of lecturing him about Buddhism, I
would reflect it in Christianity.
"Right on," I chortled.
"You satisfied Willie?"
"I just got one more questions," I grinned.
"Shoot," she said.
"You're supposed to be the expert on Buddhism, but from
what you said, I get that you don't believe it."
"Willie, I don't believe much of anything in mythology and
religion. It comes with the territory. The more you learn, the
less you find. Pretty soon, you realize their never was anything
to find. When you get off all a the glitzy wrapping, you got
an empty box."
"Now you sound like a sophist philosopher," I grinned.
"Yeah, except I have to make a living."
"So you teach people about Buddhism?"
"Why not? I don't propagate it. I just explain it. It's
a living."
We both had a laugh at that and I went for a few more beers.
the day was shot anyway. Might as well celebrate.
Back to the Forum Archives
|