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Doctor Tess Tosterone:
By Willie Gaffer:
May 2, 2005:
Recently, that world famous Italian expert on sexuality and
affairs of the heart, Doctor Tess Tosterone, was making a lecture
tour in America. As luck would have it she happened to stop at
the A & W in Ortonville for a burger and root beer. I was
there having an extra large root beer myself when she arrived.
With not much to lose, I took a chance and approached her. I
did not get far. A big fellow who was with her intercepted me
and grasped both of my arms, twisting them painfully behind my
back. Ms. Tosterone quickly admonished him.
"Let him go Hugo," she said. "Can't you see he
is just a harmless old fool?"
Hugo, release my arms, somewhat reluctantly, I thought.
"Thank you Doctor Tosterone," I gasped. "Did I
get your name right?"
"Not quite," she replied. "In Italian, and all
civilized languages, the terminating e is sounded. Correctly,
my name is pronounced Toast-or- own-ee."
"Thank you, ma'‘am," I said. "I sure will
not forget."
"It is not a problem, she smiled. "Whenever I am in
a primitive land I consider it a duty to illuminate the savages
in the nuances of civilized communication."
What could I do but grin?
"Now what is it you want old man?"
"I was hoping for a short interview," I replied. "I
write a weekly column and I know my readers would be interested
in hearing from a world famous expert on sexuality and affairs
of the heart."
"Of course they would," she agreed.
"So, may I ask a few questions?"
"Make it quick," she said. "I cannot tarry here
long."
"Okay," I agreed. "First, what do you see as the
major difference between American men and European men."
"That is simple enough," she said. "Most European
men are civilized. That is why American men have trouble attracting
thoughtful women."
"European men have no trouble attracting women?" I
questioned.
"Thoughtful women," she corrected. "Thoughtful
women will seek out and find civilized men."
"In what ways are American men uncivilized?" I queried.
"In many ways."
"Can you give me an example?" I begged.
"The most disgusting example is that American men do not
bathe before going to bed, with or without a woman."
"I didn't know that." I said. "How did you discover
it."
"Not in the way you may wish to think, old man," she
sneered. "It was revealed in a survey. Most American men
do not bathe at all. They shower in the morning, after they have
polluted the bed with their perspiration all night."
"Is it your contention that women, thoughtful women that
is, prefer men who do not perspire?"
"Not at all you old fool. Perspiration, at the appropriate
time, from a clean healthy body is delicious. All thoughtful
women would agree on that."
"I didn't know that," I lied. "Thoughtful women
like perspiration?"
"In the right circumstances," she corrected. "There
are some things wherein if you are not perspiring you are not
doing it right."
"Like playing basketball?" I suggested facetiously.
"Humph!" she blurted. "You have made my point
about American civilization. Basketball indeed."
"Ah!" I smiled. "My example was off the mark.
Perhaps the intimate male to female encounter is more to the
point."
"Exactly," she responded. "Who cares if men perspire
when they play a children's game, but in the intimate encounter,
a thoughtful woman ......" she trailed off with a knowing
smile.
"Then American men could improve their relationships, their
affairs of the heart simply by bathing?"
"That would be a beginning point," she conceded. "I
find it remarkable that a man would not know that."
"How else, could American men improve their attractiveness
to thoughtful women?"
"They could give up the silly cult of virility."
"Women don't want virile men?" I exclaimed.
"Of course thoughtful women are attracted to virility. It
is the pseudo virility behavior pattern that so characterizes
American men that is silly and repulsive to thoughtful women.
True virility will show at the appropriate time. It needs no
bluster or pills."
She stopped, tilted her head, and looked wistful for a moment.
"I see," I whispered. "The overt behavior is inappropriate."
"To be sure," she agreed. "Who cares about childish
braggadocio? Who could care about artificial pill induced virility?"
"So American men could benefit by being more subtle and
real about these things."
"Well put old man."
"What other things come to mind about American men?"
I asked.
"Thoughtfulness would help a great deal."
"Please give me an example," I begged.
"When a thoughtful woman is with a man, she does not want
to hear about how special he is. That she is with him should
be enough. She would like to hear about how special she is."
"I see," I replied. "Are there some best ways
for a man to do this?"
"Just words old man, just simple words."
"What about gifts."
"To the thoughtful woman, gifts are unimportant. One rose
with the right words is better than a room full of roses without
the words."
"Very good," I said.
Suddenly, she stood up and drained her root beer.
"I go now," she said and went to her car.
Hugo glared at me as he got in the drivers seat. That was the
end of the interview, but I realized I had some good stuff.
"Thank you," I shouted as I waved at the retreating
car.
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