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Back to the Forum 2006
Archives When we meet a new person, we usually have some kind of expectation. No matter what kind of front or bluff we put up, most of us are a bit hesitant about a new person. It is after all a change in our routine and it can be somewhat intimidating, so we hope for a good encounter. To achieve that, we tend to project, unconsciously to be sure, some kind of form onto the new person. We want to make them familiar and safe. We want them to be a friend. We may project our father, mother, or Uncle Louie onto them depending on the first impression. The problem in this occurs when we find, as we always do, the differences between what we projected and the actual person. If these comes to light early in the relationship, the adjustments can happen quickly and easily. The friendship may or may not continue, but whatever happens will not be based on a false projection. Sometimes, however, the points of comparison are so pronounced that we ignore the few differences and let the relationship develop within a false framework. We really want this person to be just like Uncle Louie, so we ignore the warnings. For sure, this is a recipe for trouble and sometimes tragedy if we make a large emotional investment. We may end up in a predator-victim relationship or even an impossible marriage. There is a certain class of characters who actively seek this kind of situation. These are the sociopathic predators who prey on naive or inexperienced people. They will attempt to seem like whatever the other person is projecting onto them. Over time they develop this reflective response mechanism to a high degree. It becomes something of an art form. They project a persona that almost compels us to like them. Their goal is to use the person, somewhat like one uses a vending machine for personal gratification and or profit. It is always a purely one way relationship, with the victim giving and the predator taking. When the victim finally begins to resist the exploitation, the predator will simply and easily discard the relationship like throwing away used facial tissue. This is bound to leave an embittered person. I have seen people who leave a literal wake of discarded victims in their path this way. When I was younger, I got taken in a few times by predators like this. As I said, we are almost compelled to like them. In talking about friendship, I cannot leave out another class of person who, to hear them tell it, have many, many friends. These are the ones who use phrases like, he's an old friend or a good friend of the family. I have only looked in detail at two people like this, mostly because they were there and I could not avoid it. In both cases, I discovered they did not have any real friend at all. At least they did not have any of what I would classify as friends. They had a large number of acquaintances whom they called friends. In general, their relationships seemed to be shallow. Anyone who stopped to chat with them, became a friend from their perspective. I have found, for a meaningful friendship, the investment of time and emotional energy is such that I cannot sustain more than two or three at a time. I think this is true of most active people. We may have many acquaintances, but the real friends will be a select few. Outside of family, I have one sometimes friend and on active friend. I used to have another active friend but that kind of faded. If they are real friends, one or two is enough. A real friendship is only possible when we find another person who's differences we can accept. We accept this person as they are and have no need to project a form onto them. A lasting friendship can grow out of this if the person is also able to accept us as we are. We adjust to these special people and they adjust to us as we learn more about each other. This is rare. It is so rare that we tend to think of these special people as best friends. We come to depend on them. We can be our honest self. We can speak freely with them. We need not hide any part of ourselves from them. Once we create a special relationship like this, it will not submit easily to disillusion. We will adapt and adjust to keep it viable. We can and will allow the friend to have bad days and make mistakes. And, our friend will allow us to have bad days and make our own mistakes. After all, it takes so much risk and emotional energy to create a good friendship that it cannot be any other way. We simply will not let it go for small and trivial reason or misunderstandings. We will make the effort to work it out. This is not always the case. There are times when a person will make changes in their life that cause a separation from old friends. This is not necessarily a rift as we usually think of it. It can happen when old friends marry. This normally happens to young people. We even have a song to cover the situation. It's called "That Old Gang of Mine." It was written by Ray Henderson many years ago. The interesting thing is what happens after marriages begin
to mellow. This has happened to myself and to Mrs. Gaffer. I
think it happens to others also. Now that we are both graduated
from gainful employment and our caring for each other is beyond
question we find ourselves giving more time to friendships. I
have one friend that I see regularly once a month, wherein we
spend the whole day together. That keeps the relationship viable.
Mrs. Gaffer has a similar situation with a few friends. So marriage
does not destroy friendships forever. We must simply wait for
the marriage to mellow.
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