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The Counselor:
One thing I noticed about the shrink industry is that you don't
need any experience or education to get into it. It seems that
all you have to do is hang out a shingle and you're in business.
Albeit, you must be careful to not imply training that you don't
have. Just the same, you can claim to be a counselor. It seems
that counselor is a generic word with no meaning in any professional
sense.
Just to see if it would work, I decided to try my hand as a marriage counselor. I did not hang out a shingle. Instead, I offered my services by placing a small advertisement in a local newspaper. It had just four lines.
Relationship Counseling Services:
Reasonable rates:
Confidentiality assured:
Phone xxx-xxx-xxxx
I did not have long to wait. On the first day of the ad, I received a call from a woman. It went like this:
Gaffer: Thanks for calling Counseling Services. This is the Gaffer. How may I help you?
Woman: How much does ya charge?
Gaffer: I cannot say until after the initial consultation.
Woman: We ain't got much. How much for that there initial whatever?
Gaffer: I do not charge for the initial consultation. It's just a short session wherein we determine if my services would be appropriate.
Woman: What you mean by a short session?
Gaffer: Not more than 15 minutes. It's only for the feasability determination.
Woman: How can ya tell anyting in 15 minutes?
Gaffer: We can tell if there is a chance of resolving your problem. Nothing more.
Woman: What problem?
Gaffer: I assumed you called me because you have a relationship problem.
Woman: I ain't got no problem.
Gaffer: Oh! Why did you call then?
Woman: I called on account a my husband and his other wife.
Gaffer: His other wife?
Woman: Wha'did I say? You got wax in the ears?
Gaffer: I assure you, my hearing is perfectly normal.
Woman: Then listen up.
Gaffer: I'm listening. You imply that your husband is a bigamist. That surprised me.
Woman: He ain't no biggermist. Actually, he's a short guy. We both of us bigger'n him.
Gaffer: Oh! You and his other wife?
Woman: Yeah.
Gaffer: You've met her then?
Woman: Sure. It's hard not to. We all live here, ya know.
Gaffer: My God! The three of you live in the same house?
Woman: You sure you can hear? I said we all live here.
Gaffer: I heard you. Do you normally get along okay?
Woman: Sure. Why not. We use ta anyhow. We use ta really get it on.
Gaffer: What do you mean by getting it on?
Woman: We all tree go ta bed and we really work that little runt over. We'd make him disappear ‘tween us. Then, when he's wore out and falls asleep, we get it on again, just the two a us. Real good! Real good.
Gaffer: I see. Then, what is the problem?
Woman: She don't wanna do it no more.
Gaffer: Okay. Now, I see. The other wife wants to withdraw from the relationship.
Woman: No, no! She don't wanna do that. It's way worse than that.
Gaffer: Explain it to me.
Woman: She wants ta dump the runt; my husband. Says we don't need him. Crap, I like that little fart.
Gaffer: So, you would like to keep the relationship just as it is; the three of you together.
Woman: Sure! I like her too.
Gaffer: Okay. Just from talking to you, I think an initial consultation may help to determine if I can help you.
Woman: Okay! now your talkin'. When do I send them in?
Gaffer: You don't understand ma'am. I do relationship counseling. In your case, there are three parties involved in the relationship.
Woman: Wrong man! It's you don't understand. We ain't havin' no parties. It's just the tree of us gettin' it on.
Gaffer: Let me try again.
Woman: Sure.
Gaffer: In order to determine if I can help, all three of you must participate.
Woman: What a ya mean?
Gaffer, in exasperation: All tree a ya gotta be here!
Woman: No way man! Ain't nothin' wrong with me. It's her. She got a problem wit him.
Gaffer: Perhaps so, but we can only discover that if all of you are here.
Woman: I don't know man.
Gaffer: Well think it over. Talk it over with the others. Call me back if you decide.
Woman: Yeah. Maybe I'll call ya. Bye.
After that, I just let my little ad run out. I'm not sure I
want to deal with people who are stranger than I am. Maybe later,
I'll try bartending.
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