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This week, I was very fortunate in that I obtained an interview
with that notorious expert on obesity, Doctor Jerome P. Satiate.
Here is the exchange as I recorded it.
Gaffer: Doctor, research shows us that a large majority of our population are obese. What do you find to be that main cause of that?
Satiate: Well, in every case I have handled, the main cause is food.
Gaffer: To be sure doctor, people eat too much food, but why do they do that? Is it more than hunger?
Satiate: Sure, it's cause the food makes these lard butts feel good when they eat it.
Gaffer: You mean because it tastes good?
Satiate: Sure, but also it substitutes.
Gaffer: I don't understand. Food is food. What does it substitute for?
Satiate: Boy, your really dumb. For most fatsos, it's like sex!
Gaffer: It substitutes for sex. Are you serious? That sounds weird.
Satiate: You bet! You should talk to some of these bubble buns.
Gaffer: Do you suggest that they are crazy?
Satiate: Darn right. Nutty like fruitcakes they are. Why do you think they're so tubby?
Gaffer: I see, but how do they get to that state?
Satiate: It's kind of like a poem. They get no love, but food is sweet, the more they eat, the bigger their seat, the bigger their seat, the badder they feel, so they eat more food at every meal.
Gaffer: It starts with lack of love or support and becomes an obsession?
Satiate: Yes. It mostly starts young with a fat mama who gives lots of food.
Gaffer: In place of love?
Satiate: Sure, who could love a fat kid anyway?
Gaffer: I see, and then they eat more?
Gaffer: Sure, and get so sloppy that no one could love them.
Gaffer: So, in a way, by being obese they preclude what they really need?
Satiate: You got it. The fatter they get the less they get.
Gaffer: It seems completely self defeating.
Satiate: For sure, these big boogers are losers.
Gaffer: Is there any way to help them?
Satiate: Sometimes, and that's where I come in.
Gaffer: What do you find most effective?
Satiate: I get all these lard butts together in one room, men and women.
Gaffer: For a group therapy?
Satiate: Sure, kind of like that.
Gaffer: What is your procedure?
Satiate: First I make them take off all the clothes.
Gaffer: My gosh! Isn't that a bit bizarre?
Satiate: Bizarre is too wimpy a word. You should have to see it. It's enough to make you throw up.
Gaffer: But, what is the goal?
Satiate: I just wanted these balloon people to see what they really look like and why no one loves them.
Gaffer: And, did that work? Was it effective?
Satiate: Not the way I think it would.
Gaffer: What happened?
Satiate: Well, first thing I know these blubber bellies are looking at one another and giggling and laughing. Then they start to touch each other and giggle some more. I tell you, it made me a sick stomach. I had to leave the room.
Gaffer: did you come back?
Satiate: Oh sure. After I puke, I come back and it's like the most frightening naked party you ever want to see. Hollywood couldn't be so bizarre.
Gaffer: What was the outcome?
Satiate: Well most of them decided that they been wanting the wrong thing. They decided they like fatsos. So far, out of 20 people in that first group, I have four weddings, two engagements, and two fat babies.
Gaffer: And, did they lose weight?
Satiate: Not a bit. Some of them got fatter yet, but they're happy so who cares.
Gaffer: Thank you doctor. This has been a most enlightening interview.
Satiate: That's good. If you want to come to one of our sessions, just drop in. You're a little skinny, but it's alright. You'll get plenty of hugs.
Gaffer: Ah - ah - well, thank you. I'll think about that.
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