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This is a routine I began to write while I was watching an opera on TV. It makes me wish I was a good stand up comic. You may notice from this that I find most opera to be silly.
The scene is a farmyard in Tennessee.
A burley farmer is banging on an anvil.
Out of the house rushes a very lovely, very young woman.
She sings in soprano, "Papa, Papa, Papa come a quick a, Mama sing a soprano. Come a quick a."
Father answers in baritone, "What's a this silly stuff a. You Mama no sing a soprano. She sing a contralto, you silly child a. She always a sing a contralto. Go away now and let a Papa work."
Child: "No No a. Papa, you no understand a. Mama sing a soprano. A very loud a soprano. She sing a soprano fortissimo."
Father: "Stop a this a non a sense child. What a you mean a Mama sing a soprano fortissimo? Why she sing a soprano at all?"
Child: "Oh Papa, come a quick a. Mama catch a chest a part in a wringer. Come a quick a."
Father: "A chest a part in a wringer?"
Child: "Yes a Papa! In a wringer."
Father: "Oh crap a! Why you tell a me this a for? Go now child. Do a wringer arrestare. Do a wringer rovescio. Don't ask a me, come a quick a now. Go a now. Do it!"
Child: "Yes a Papa." The young woman rushes into the house.
Fathers aria with gestures and expression:
"All a time I work a hard .
I make a the shoe.
I shoe a the horse.
I plow a the field.
I plant a the corn.
I plant a the grain.
I make a the harvest.
I make a the mash.
I triple a distill a."
Father in a stage aside to the audience. "Not a for sale you understand a. Just a for me and a few friends."
He continues his aria.
"I clean a the still.
I build a the barn.
I love a the wife.
I love a the child.
I make a the food.
And a now a this.
Must I do a everything?
Am I to be a washerman?
Not a this man.
That's a for sure!"
Again the young woman rushes from the house.
Child: "Oh Papa, Papa, Papa, come a quick a it's a bad."
Father, with expression: "Oh, crap a! What a now?"
Child: "Oh Papa, Papa, Papa, It's a bad."
Father: "You say a that once already. What's a so bad?"
Child: "It's a Mama. She's a bad! She's a sing a basso."
Father with gestures: "A basso?"
Child: "Yes a Papa! A basso profundo!"
Father: "Oh, crap a! How she sing a basso profundo? I tell a you. She's a contralto."
Child: "No more a contralto, Papa."
Father: "Why? How's a this. What's a happen?"
Child: "Oh Papa, Papa. I do as a you say. All a time a Mama sing a soprano. I wringer arrestare. I wringer rovescio. Suddenly is a loud a pop."
Father: "A loud a pop?"
Child: "Yes a Papa. A very loud a pop! And a Mama she sing a basso profundo."
Father: "Oh, crap a!" A basso profundo?"
Child: "Yes a Papa. A loud a pop! And a milk a fly all over the house a. And Mama sing a basso profundo."
Father: "Is a milk a all over the house a?"
Child: "Yes a Papa. Is a milk all over the house a. And a Mama sing a basso profundo."
Father: "Is a milk a all over my still?"
Child: "Yes a Papa. Is a milk all over everything and a your still a too."
Father: "OH, CRAP A! Well," with a sad shrug. "That's a gonna be a bad batch!"
Fini.
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