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Gaffer for President:
I know time is a wasting, but I think it is not too late to throw
my hat into the ring. Heck, it's an old hat anyway. Just like
me. If it gets trampled, I won't lose much.
You may wonder, what qualifies me for the office of President.
Well, I am here to tell you.
First of all, much like McCain, I am a war hero ~ sort of.
And I want to trade on that.
Oh sure, I didn't get captured, but I was over there. I'm one
of the guys.
I'm not sure yet, how that qualifies me for the office.
I figure, if I just shout it loud enough, people will think it
does.
It's true, I was never wounded, but I fell off of a squad tent
once when I was stringing wire for telephones. I still walk with
a limp. I'm one of the guys.
I still have a photo of me in Korea with a 45 automatic strapped
to my hip and an M1 carbine cradled in my arms.
Just like Rambo! Hey, I'm one of the guys.
That should qualify me to lead the free world, shouldn't it?
If McCain can trade on it, why can't I?
You may ask what offices I have held to show that I have leadership
qualifications?
Well, it's true that I was never a Senator. That should be in
my favor. You can't be sure I'm a crook.
I was never a Vice President either. Heck, I was never the governor
of Texas, but I was in Texas a few times.
I'm here to tell you, it rubs off.
Am I more conservative than George? Sure, I'm more conservative
than Nuke-em-Newt and Ken Starr combined.
And I really enjoyed the Texan style of religious ceremonies.
I want to be front row center the next time they sacrifice a talk
show host to the great God Angus.
I even think mesquite barbecue is great. I can't actually eat
the stuff, but I never saw anything better than mesquite for keeping
the flies off of the food. I know it makes my eyes water.
What else?
Well, I think I can be a pretty good stand up comic. Old Al Gore
has nothing on me. I studied under Crazy Louie. I can snap off
one and two liners like you wouldn't believe.
Why did George set himself on fire?
He wanted to appear as a burning Bush.
Show me a man who never gets angry and I'll show you a press agent.
What is the difference between Donald Duck and Donald Trump?
Donald Trump doesn't give a quack.
What our congress needs is a really good zookeeper. The British have one. They call her the speaker of the house.
Why did Bradley cross the road?
He got lonesome.
Why did Keyes not cross the road?
He was afraid it would be construed as an affirmative action.
Why did Buchanan cross?
He thought it was time for him to reform.
Now, on top of all the other things, I am much like Bradley. I'm just a really nice guy. When's the last time you had a really nice guy in that office? Bet you can't remember.
Of course, I also have a tax plan. And, of course, I can't tell you what it is. I won't tell until the other guys tell. So there!
As to my moral fibre, Mrs. Gaffer sees to that. She has marked a very clear line. I will never embarrass you by smoking cigars in the oval office.
Finally, I can assure you that all my relatives are gainfully
employed. You will not have to worry about nepotism when I am
President. Take all of the above into account and I don't see
how you could possibly vote for anyone
else.
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