Back to Gaffer's Archives.
Red and the Simpleton:
One morning a simpleton was walking through the forest when he
espied a young woman dressed in a red cloak with a hood. She carried
a small basket.
"Goodness," said the simpleton. "I thought that
was but a myth."
Being very curious, he hurried along the path and caught up with
the girl.
"Good morning," he said as he came up behind her.
The young woman leaped a foot high and hurtled her basket into
the air. Out flew a bottle of wine to break as it hit a stone.
The wine was followed by a wedge of cheese which fared little
better, breaking apart as it hit the hard turf. The woman whirled
with large, saucer eyes and open mouth toward the simpleton. She
had a .357 magnum in her hand.
"Oh dear," said the simpleton. "I'm so sorry. I
did not mean to startle you. Please put that away."
Seeing it was only a simpleton, the young woman's alarm turned
to chagrin. She put the gun back under her cloak.
"Look at what you've done," she said, stomping her foot.
"You're not even supposed to be here and you've ruined everything."
"I'm so sorry," said the simpleton, sincerely. "I'd
like to make it up to you. Is there any way?"
The woman looked sad and angry.
"I see not how," she replied, "lest you can put
the wine back into the bottle and restore the cheese."
"I fear not," said the simpleton. "As you can see,
I am but a simple traveler."
"For sure," said the young woman. "You're not who
I was expecting."
"Thank goodness," said the simpleton. "Who were
you expecting that you would have greeted in such a way?"
He indicated the woman's shoulder holster.
"I was laying for Freddie Wolf."
"Is he a bad person?" asked the simpleton.
"I'll tell you what," she replied. "That jerk has
been messing with Riding Hood for months. Every time she goes
to Grannie's, he catches her here in the woods and has his way
with her. That's not bad enough. Then he goes and gets the old
woman too."
"Goodness," said the simpleton. "He is a bad fellow,
but you said he has been messing with Riding Hood. I thought you
were she."
"Not at all. I'm a federal agent in disguise, but you can
call me Red."
"Oh! Then you are planning to apprehend this Mr. Wolf?"
"Either that or blow him away if he resists."
"I am doubly happy that I am not he."
"It does not matter now. With all this ruckus, Wolf won't
show and I don't even have wine and cheese to take to the old
woman."
"Aha!" exulted the simpleton. "I can remedy at
least a part of that."
He reached into his back pack and brought out a small bottle of
Paisano red.
"Hey," said Red. "That's good stuff. It makes me
mellow."
"Alas," said the simpleton. "I have no cheese."
"Wait a minute," said Red. "Let's just gather up
the pieces and see what we have."
They picked up the pieces of cheese, brushed them off and discovered
they had lost very little.
"This will work," said Red. "thanks for the help."
"It is little enough after what I caused," said the
simpleton, "but wait; I also have a bit of bread."
He pulled a small loaf from his pack.
"Outstanding!" exclaimed Red. "We have the complete
meal."
"So it seems," smiled the simpleton.
Red affected a wily look.
"A loaf of bread a jug of wine and thou," she grinned.
The simpleton blushed.
"Hey," she said. "Grannie can wait a day. There's
a nice little glade up ahead. Walk along with me."
"I am your servant," said the simpleton shyly.
And so it came to pass that the simpleton enjoyed the reward of
the pure of heart and Grannie missed her afternoon visitor.
Back to Gaffer's Archives.