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The Gaffer Resolves Again:
(Resolutions for 2003 and beyond)
I wrote most of these resolutions for 1999. Upon review, I am surprised at how well I have honored them. I was very remiss on weight control. I took off a bit, but not enough to notice. For the other resolutions, I have honored them, not perfectly, but quite well. This year, I have removed a couple of irrelevant ones and added a couple of others. I think these are sound enough for this next year.

I hereby resolve to never again eat grilled meat with carcinogens unless I have plenty of beer to wash it down.

I hereby resolve to smoke at least one big ugly expensive cigar per month.

I resolve to say something at least once per month which will annoy the right wing bible thumpers, gun crazies, and other fascists.

I resolve to say something at least once per month which will annoy the bleeding heart, tax-and-spend liberals.

I resolve to say something at least once per month which will annoy the green freaks.

I resolve to say something at least once per moth which will annoy the Nader look-alike do-gooders.

I resolve to despise personal injury attorneys, especially those who advertise on TV.

I resolve to try not to laugh out loud at our president, difficult though it may be.

I resolve to criticize my government vigorously and frequently, even as I pray that they will accidentally get it right.

I Resolve to fly the American flag proudly.

I resolve to never lie to my doctor or to Mrs. Gaffer. Luckily, Mrs. Gaffer is clever enough to refrain from asking questions to which she cannot handle all of the possible answers.

I resolve to say something at least once per month which will annoy Mrs. Gaffer. It keeps her young.

I resolve to say something nice to Mrs. Gaffer at least once per day. It keeps her young.

I resolve to despise each and every member of the United States Congress, with all my heart, without regard to political affiliation, sex, race, or feigned decency.

I resolve to remember to write 2003 instead of 2002.

At Mrs. Gaffer's advice, I resolve to clean my office before starting another book.

I resolve to live up to the personal ethic I have defined in my Philosophy essay number 31.

I resolve to continue my philosophy essays until they are finished or I die, whichever comes first.

I resolve to never take Mrs. Gaffer for granted.

I will try to trust Minerva (my inner spirit guide) to handle the things I cannot control.

I resolve to get myself another doggie come summer. Arnold died several years ago. I think I am emotionally ready now.
I did not do this last summer as I should have. I will do it this next summer.

I resolve to let my offsprings sweat a few days before I rescue them.

I resolve to find a reason to laugh at least once per day. Twice on Sunday.

I resolve to never board an elevator if I have gas.

I resolve to substitute beer for water whenever it's reasonable.

I resolve to pretend to be thoughtful.

I resolve to be at least half cocked before I go off.

On Mrs. Gaffer's advice, I resolve to not judge people more than once per week - - - for each person.

I resolve to never open a bottle of wine unless I have someone to share it with.

I resolve to find many new ways to use a preposition to end a sentence with.

I resolve to support my local tavern.

I resolve to never try to go somewhere until I know where I am at.

I resolve to dine in a fine restaurant at least once per month.

I resolve to never dance with anyone who has hair on their chest.

I resolve to spend more time playing with my crayons and rubber ducky.

I resolve to spend more time sitting in the sun next summer and more time sitting in my greenhouse this winter.

I resolve to lose weight to the extent that I will not be embarrassed to do the photos for my exercise book.

I resolve to let go of the past and start looking ahead.

I resolve to never be caught naked in a public place.

I resolve to let those who are wrong be wrong. I will not correct them. Not even if they utilize, utilize when they should be using use. Not even if they say irregardless.

I resolve to never spit or urinate into the wind.

I resolve to never take my health for granted again.

I resolve to try to forgive myself as easily as Mrs. Gaffer forgives me.

I resolve to never buy drinks for a guy who puts his hand on my knee.

I resolve to stop pretending I can predict the future and just be prepared for change instead.

Whenever I am tempted to get arrogant, I resolve to remember what happened to Nuke-em-Newt and Trent Antediluvian Lott.

I resolve to not blame other people when the wheels come off my wagon.

I resolve to remember that revenge is for losers.

Finally, I resolve to plan as best I can, but just live one day at a time.
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