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Dr. R. E. Tention:
There is a new breed of BS artists who claim they can teach kids
to improve their memory by creating keys or links to the stored
knowledge. They are getting into the public schools with this
as though it were a new invention. There are two things wrong
here. First, every thoughtful person knows that we can create
memory aids by association. That's really what they are talking
about. It's not new. They are pretending to sell something which
is common knowledge.
The second thing is worse than that. Instead of encouraging the kids to create associations which are meaningful to them, they are giving the kids canned associations. These may be meaningful to the fools who made them up. There is no reason whatsoever to believe they will be meaningful to the kids. The result of this is that the kids will have irrelevant stuff to memorize in place of what they are supposed to be learning.
I was watching TV when I first saw this nonsense and I realized I have a friend who is a memory expert. He also teaches memory by association. His name is Dr. R. E. Tention. I called and asked if he would like to explain his techniques to me. He agreed so I put a twelve pack of Bass Ale in my cooler and went right over. I recorded the conversation for you.
Gaffer: Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, doctor.
Tention: No problem. It beats buying my own beer.
Gaffer: Oh, for sure. Here we go.
I smiled and opened a couple of bottles on the handy opener attached
to his desk.
Tention: Thanks, Willie.
Gaffer: My pleasure. Now about our memory. Tell me why people
have trouble remembering.
Tension: People don't have no problem remembering, Gaffer.
Gaffer: What?
Tension: You know, Willie, those guys who say you have an attention
problem may be right. What did I say?
Gaffer: You said people don't have a problem remembering.
Tension: There, see, you did hear me.
Gaffer: But you make your living teaching people to remember.
Tension: Sure.
Gaffer: You're not a fraud. I know that.
Tention: For sure! I earn my bucks.
Gaffer: Teaching people to remember!
Tention: Right.
Gaffer: This seems like a riddle. What am I missing?
Tention: You're missing what everyone missed. That's why I get
customers.
Gaffer: Explain, please.
Tention: I'll show you. What is your phone number?
Gaffer: Ah, uh, I got it right here in my wallet.
Tention: Right, ‘cause you don't remember it.
Gaffer: How did you know?
Tention: ‘Cause it ain't important to you. You never call
yourself and you never call Mrs. Gaffer. Do you're creditors forget
your phone number?
I couldn't help it. I busted out laughing.
Tention: You see. Now, when does your favorite beer store close?
Gaffer: Ten PM. You caught me, doc.
Tention: For sure. like all people, you don't got no problem remembering
what's important to you.
Gaffer: Then what do you teach?
Tention: Believe it or not, Gaffer, I make big bucks teaching
people to remember things they don't really care about.
Gaffer: Holy mackerel. Like what?
Tention: The boss' name. The spouse's birthday. Stuff like that.
Gaffer: People don't care about those things?
Tention: When is Mrs. Gaffer's birthday?
Gaffer: Damn you, Tention. You got me again?
Tention: Hee, hee, hee.
Gaffer: I care about Mr's Gaffer.
Tention: For sure. You didn't forget Mrs. Gaffer. You forgot her
birthday.
Gaffer: Okay. Tell me about your technique. How do you make
people remember?
Tention: I don't make them remember. They do it themselves.
Gaffer: What do you do?
Tention: Nothing much.
Gaffer: Let me get clear. People come to you to learn how to
remember and you just sit there while they figure it out.
Tention: It beats working.
Gaffer: What really happens?
Tention: Let's try an example. Get your wife's birthday out of
your wallet.
Gaffer: Okay, it's November 16.
Tention: Okay, what do you associate with November?
Gaffer: Thanksgiving. Harvest.
Tention: Pick one.
Gaffer: Thanksgiving.
Tention: Think about it.
Gaffer: Oh! November gives me two things to be thankful for.
Tention: Now you got it.
Gaffer: Mrs. Gaffer's birthday occurs in November. I give thanks
for Mrs. Gaffer.
Tention: You're on a roll.
Gaffer: I see. Now what can I associate with 16?
Tention: You tell me.
Gaffer: The old ballad. When you were sweet sixteen.
Tention; I can't believe how good you are. Hand me another beer.
I started laughing.
Tention: Let's drink to sweet sixteen.
Gaffer: This is easy. I never realized how easy it is.
Tention: Like I said. It beats working.
We finished the twelve pack and I went happily home. I knew
I would never forget to give thanks on November 16 for a sweet
Mrs. Gaffer.
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