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Preparing for Winter:
Here we are, in Michigan, with winter almost upon us again. It
seems like summer never really happened this year. The weather
prognosticators predicted a hot, dry summer. Of course, it was
a cold, wet summer. So much for meteorology. I think we had two
nice summer days. That's all I can recall.
No matter, it's time to think about hunkering down for the long, cold haul. Regardless of what the weather weenies say, the Michigan winter is always cold. Whenever I have to go out to do something, it seems I spend more time getting dressed for it than I spend doing it. Although I never gave in to the layered craze, I do protect myself in the winter. I wear extra stuff.
I also try to make sure I have everything I need to get through a tough winter. I don't know how it is for other folks, but with Detroit Edison, we can usually count on one or two long term power outages each winter. By long term, I mean a day or longer without electricity. For that I have a big gasoline powered generator and a goodly supply of petrol.
I also do the other routine things, like having a cord or two of firewood in addition to a couple of kerosine heaters with fuel. Even so, it seems like I am never totally prepared. So, this year, I thought I would consult an expert to help me prepare. I went to that notorious expert on planning, Mr. Big Al Proviso. He entertained me in his office which is conveniently located in the back room of the Shadyview tavern.
Mr. Proviso objected to a tape recorder, so I had to take notes as we went along. I think I got most of it down. Here is the transcript.
Gaffer: Mr Proviso, as you know, I came here to consult you
on preparing for a Michigan winter.
Proviso: First things first pal. This will be your tab. I'll have
a tall Bass Ale.
Gaffer: Oh, of course.
I went to the bar and brought back a couple of tall ones.
Proviso: Good, now ask away. I'm at your service.
Gaffer: Fine, tell me, what is the first thing to do in preparing
for a Michigan winter?
Proviso: Well, I like to take a page from the Brown Bear. Come
fall, I eat everything I can get and put on a real layer of health
fat.
Gaffer: Your serious?
Proviso: Look at me and tell me I'm not serious.
I could not argue. He more than filled his office chair. In fact
he hung over the sides.
Gaffer: I see. Then, no matter what happens, you won't starve?
Proviso: For sure. I could go a couple of weeks with just beer.
Gaffer: Then you consider a good supply of alcoholic beverage
to be essential?
Proviso: Not any alcohol. Just beer. It has food value and it
warms me up.
Gaffer: I see. Are there other essentials in the food department?
Proviso: Sure, if you got room after the beer, you could put in
some pretzels, chips, and nuts. They all go good with beer.
Gaffer: Pretzels, chips, and nuts. Anything else?
Proviso: Not for me. Most other stuff don't go well with beer,
although them little canned weenies ain't bad.
Gaffer: Okay. Now ,besides food, what other precautions do
you recommend?
Proviso: Well, plenty of blankets, of course.
Gaffer: Yes. In case the power goes out, we want to keep warm.
Proviso: Oh sure, but you also want blankets to cover the refrigerator.
Gaffer: The refrigerator?
Proviso: Darn right. You don't want the beer to get warm.
Gaffer: I see. I would think I could just put the beer outside
on the porch to cool it.
Proviso: I suppose so, if you want to get up and go outside every
few minutes.
Gaffer: Good point. What else do you see as necessary?
Proviso: Matches or lighters. You got to have one or the other.
Gaffer: Good thought. Unless we are Boy Scouts, lighting a
fire without one of those is difficult.
Proviso: Oh, a fire. I suppose, if you have a fireplace, but you
really need something to light the cigars.
Gaffer: the cigars?
Proviso: For sure. You gonna sit all winter with all that beer
and no cigars? Not me!
Gaffer: Then cigars are a must have item?
Proviso: You bet. I like to have at least three boxes of A. Fuente,
double chateaus or something as good.
Gaffer: Aren't they a bit expensive?
Proviso: Not for that quality. You gets what you pays for, as
they say.
Gaffer: Good cigars. Okay, is there anything else you consider
important?
Proviso: Read me what you got.
Gaffer: Let's see. Beer, pretzels, chips, nuts, blankets, matches
or lighters, and good cigars.
Proviso: I think that about covers it. It's all you really need.
If you got extra room, you could put in some canned goods, I suppose.
Whatever you like.
Gaffer: Good. That covers the home. Now ,what about our vehicle?
Proviso: You gonna go out in winter?
Gaffer: Some folks do.
Proviso: Nuts, if you ask me. Well, if you gotta go out, you should
keep a couple of bags of chips and some nuts in the car.
Gaffer: Food in the car. Good idea. What else?
Proviso: You should probably have a note on your door knob to
grab a six pack on your way out. Case you get stranded.
Gaffer: Six pack. Okay. Anything else?
Proviso: Nah. That about covers it.
Gaffer: Well, thank you Mr Proviso. It has been most enlightening.
Proviso: Not so fast pal. You owe me another tall Bass Ale.
Gaffer: To be sure. I'll send it right in.
Proviso: Okay. See that you do.
I expect to go shopping this week, just to make sure I have
everything on Proviso's list. I'm sure Mrs. Gaffer will take care
of the nonessentials, like toilet paper, canned goods, soap, bottled
water, and stuff like that.
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