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Gaffer Variety:
Creativity and Craziness Two 011:
By Willie Gaffer:
October 24, 2005:
In my last essay, I had discussed the difference between the
emotional pathology called multiple personality disorder and the
personality fragmentation which plague all of us. It comes down
to a matter of the severity of the trauma. Severe and persistent
trauma can push a person beyond endurance and cause the emotional
pathology.
I speculate that the multiple personality disorder occurs when
a final fragment is separated from the previously controlling
ego and what remains does not have enough emotional energy to
maintain control. When the victim is already close, a seemingly
trivial event can precipitate this. It's the final straw phenomena.
The victim literally loses coherence and becomes a collection
of fragments. The fragments do not have the consistent energy
to maintain control but they can do one heck of a lot of damage
before they lose it. What's worse, the control may pass to another
one of the fragments rather than back to the "main"
ego.
For most of us, our missing pieces just cause us to become somewhat dysfunctional. We are not as spontaneous, joyous, graceful, or creative as a human should naturally be. It's tragic but it's not usually a threat to survival. Other than that, we all occasionally do crazy things which the dominant personality cannot explain. "I don't know! Something just came over me. I lost control." I believe this loss of control is a manifestation of a suppressed alter ego.
Giving some autonomy to these personalities is one of the risks of opening ourselves to creative activities. We can only be creative to the extent that we are willing to risk being crazy. These fragments reside, after all, in the same part of the mind-soul which gives us inspiration and creative ideas. The aha's of life. With autonomy, sometimes these personalities do crazy and stupid things, usually out of rage for something which has been forgotten by everyone except the injured alter ego.
As we open to these subconscious identities, sometimes we can heal or at least soothe the pain and we are better off for it. The fragmentation is reduced. We live in better internal harmony. We can also suppress these alter egos at the expense of suppressing our creative talent. The penalty for this is eternal damnation. A lifetime of being a clerk, banker, middle manager, insurance claims adjuster or even a CPA. You get the idea. The point is, a great deal of our creative talent is trapped within these personality fragments. Our creativity is held hostage, in a way, by our subconscious alter egos. We can access our creativity and allow the alter ego out so long as the main personality remains in charge and is aware of everything the alter ego does. Then the only problem may be the urge to explain stepping out of character. For us ordinary folks, the danger of the alter ego taking charge does not exist. Multiple personality disorder is very rare. In most people these alter ego personalities are two dimensional and no threat to our stability. It's just a little bit of craziness.
One of the problems with creative people is that most of them do have personality disorders and we really don't want to associate with them. The electrical wizard Steinmetz, according to history, was a classic example. Extremely creative people are in a very small minority. They are very difficult to find. Then when you do find one, you discover he is so messed up you don't want to deal with him. Many of them are alcoholics or borderline alcoholics. In general, we find that their personality disorder takes the form of self-destructive behavior. Drinking, drug use, chain smoking, careless sanitary habits, and aggressive activities are some of the problems. Some of them exhibit careless behavior in general to the extent that they are unaware of dangers around them. In addition, most are egomaniacs who just make us simple folks angry.
Craziness is usually not as pronounced in us ordinary average people. Serious craziness happens to super-creative bright people. Van Gogh was nuttier than a fruit cake but his paintings are masterpieces. The more creative we are, the more susceptible we are to craziness. We open up that Pandora's box of the subconscious wherein all creativity and all craziness sits together, happily holding hands. You can't get one out without getting some of the other. All the fragments of our life which were separated by the traumas of our lives reside in that dungeon. Each of them holds a piece of the creative talent we lost along the way.
As I have opened to my own creative talent, I have identified within myself several alter egos. The most active and troublesome one I call Little Willie. He was formed between the ages of about two and fifteen. Fifteen is where he stalled and still lives. He is enraged and will probably die that way. A great deal of his rage comes from the fact that he was, and still is, powerless. His anger is justified. He is the one who was clubbed into submission by two adult, thug, school teachers. This harkens back to the days when children were to be seen and not heard, when brute force and intimidation were tools of the adult world in dealing with children. "Spare the rod and spoil the child" was not just a rhetorical phrase, it was an accepted philosophy of child rearing.
In counseling, I discovered this physical abuse was just a small part of the cause in this dysfunctional alter ego. Emotional abuse abounds in our world when dealing with children. Put downs are the tool of choice used in undermining the ego of what we call troublesome children. These, of course, are the ones who embarrass and frustrate us by asking questions and using logic in response to bullshit answers. The ones who beat us at our own game when we try to play clever word games with them. We often respond with ego crushing put downs. These are, in a sense, emotional clubs, often just as damaging as physical violence. When put downs don't work, the ultimate response is what happened to Willie in school. Physical violence. We can always beat kids by using muscle. This combination of abuse is why Little Willie remains chained in the basement of my subconscious. He has not been able to rise above his rage.
Somewhere, between the ages of five and fifteen, other alter
egos formed. There was a young adult who wanted to be called Bill
not Willie. He also wanted to be a hero and he picked fights with
the school bully knowing he could not win. Much of the time another
alter ego rescued him from these stupidities. This rescuer has
the ability to turn aside wrath with humor and a flashy smile.
Humor is his defense against a dangerous and arbitrary world.
He has no name but he lives.
There is also a fragmented female alter ego. She never received
the power she wanted because she wanted to use another method
of turning aside wrath. She would give a man anything. The little
pig is on a tight collar and a short leash. I can imagine what
would happen if I went to, say, Durham, NC, and gave her control
long enough for me to walk up and hug a big tobacco chewing Bubba.
I would not come back from NC. They would bury me at Chapel Hill.
Of course there were other fragments. Some have been healed and
some still lurk.
Enough of this. You know, if you look, you will find the same
concepts within yourself. The important thing to me is, by opening
to the creative part of my subconscious, I begin a process of
integration. Healing takes place and I am stronger for it. I will
continue in my nest essay by discussing techniques for recovering
these lost fragments.
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