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Gaffer Variety:
Resolutions 020:
By Willie Gaffer:
Post Date:
It's that time of year again. Each year, I make some resolutions designed to enhance my personal behavior. Then I try to live up to them. In line with that, I try not to be so idealistic that I create an impossible task. I wrote most of these resolutions several years ago, but I still like them. Upon review, I am surprised at how well I have honored them. This year, I have removed a couple irrelevant resolutions and added a couple of others. I think my list sound enough for this next year.
I hereby resolve to never again eat grilled meat with carcinogens unless I have plenty of beer to wash it down.
I hereby resolve to smoke at least one big, ugly, expensive cigar per month.
If someone opens a cigar bar nearby, I resolve to support it with frequent visits.
I resolve to continue to ridicule William Clay Ford and Wagoner whenever they offer themselves as targets as the often do.
I resolve to continue to champion honest workers who continue to struggle against the dishonesty of management and government.
I resolve to say something at least once per month which will annoy the right wing fascists republicans.
I resolve to say something at least once per month which will annoy the bleeding heart liberal dumbocrats.
I resolve to continue to advocate for honesty in government, though it seems an impossible dream.
I resolve not to criticize our president on Thursdays. It's my day of rest.
I resolve to say something at least once per month which will annoy Mrs. Gaffer. It keeps her young.
I resolve to say something nice to Mrs. Gaffer at least once
per day. It keeps her young.
I resolve to despise each and every member of the United States
Congress, with all my heart, without regard to political affiliation,
sex, race, or feigned decency.
I resolve to remember to write 2006 instead of 2005.
I resolve to never take Mrs. Gaffer for granted.
I will try to trust Minerva to handle the things I cannot control. Minerva is my spirit guide soul-self and my connection to the super conscious.
I resolve to never forget that I am not separate. There is no other.
I resolve to write with more humor and less anger this year.
I resolve to let my offsprings sweat a few days before I rescue them.
I resolve to find a reason to laugh at least once per day. Twice on Sunday.
I resolve to never board an elevator if I have gas pains.
I resolve to substitute beer for water whenever it's reasonable.
I resolve to pretend to be thoughtful.
I resolve to be at least half cocked before I go off.
On Mrs. Gaffer's advice, I resolve to not judge people more than once per week - - - for each person.
I resolve to never, ever visit Comerica Park.
I resolve to never open a bottle of wine unless there is someone to share it with.
I resolve to find many new ways to use a preposition, to end a sentence with.
I resolve to support my local tavern.
I resolve to never try to go somewhere until I know where I am at.
I resolve to never dance with anyone who has hair on their chest.
I resolve to spend more time playing with my crayons and rubber ducky.
I resolve to spend more time sitting in the sun next summer and more time sitting in my greenhouse this winter.
I resolve to lose weight to the extent that I will just be a fat guy instead of what they call me now.
I resolve to let go of the past and start looking ahead.
I resolve to never be caught naked in a public place.
I resolve to let those who are wrong be wrong. I will not correct them. Not even if they utilize, utilize when they should be using use. Not even if they say irregardless.
I resolve to never pee into the wind.
I resolve to never take my health for granted again.
I resolve to try to forgive myself as easily as Mrs. Gaffer forgives me.
I resolve to never buy drinks for a guy who puts his hand on my knee.
I resolve to stop pretending I can predict the future and just be prepared for change instead.
Whenever I am tempted to get arrogant, I resolve to remember what happened to Nuke-em-Newt.
I resolve to not blame other people when the wheels come off my wagon.
I resolve to remember that revenge is for losers.
Mrs. Gaffer only has one resolution for this year. She is going
to try to keep Willie from screwing up and killing himself.
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