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Gaffer Variety:
A Dialog with Lucifer 023:
By Willie Gaffer:
January 16, 2006:
I took a run up to Hell recently. It was not meant to be a big deal. It was a quiet day and I just thought I'd like to chat with Lucifer. I had a question. Well I started out okay. I jumped in my car and set out, but as I approached Hell it was getting warmer and warmer. Soon my car started to overheat. Sure enough, a few miles before I reached Hell the darn thing quit altogether. There was nothing for it. I knew that car would not run again unless I got it out of there. I was beginning to think I would be stuck just south of Hell for the rest of eternity and I was beginning to perspire big time. I was forced to consider that, for me, eternity might not be very long. I had occasion to wonder about the wisdom of my excursion.
Well, just as I was about to give up and try walking home who should show up but Lucifer himself, in a fire red Corvette and a big five dollar grin on his face. I guessed right then that he had been messing with me. My car did not overheat by accident.
"Hey there Willie," he grinned. "What you doin'
in my neighborhood?"
I managed to keep my composure as I replied, "Well, I just
came up for a visit with you Lucy."
"No kidding?" he said. "That's great. Last time
I saw you I though it was all over with us. You turned me down
cold on that lottery swindle. You coulda been on top a the world
now."
"Right, Lucy, for how long" I sneered. "Everyone
knows about your deals."
"Not quite, Willie. I still have a pretty full house. Lots
a laughs too."
"I bet," I rasped.
Lucy just laughed and opened his car door invitingly.
"Okay, Willie, you want to get in out a this heat?"
"I'd like that," I replied. "I'd like that a lot."
"Come on, jump in. My place is air conditioned."
I didn't have a great deal of choice so I took the offer. Lucy
was true to his word. He drove right into downtown Hell, turned
into a garage, and led me into a nice little bungalow with a very
comfortable inside temperature.
"Sit down, Willie," he offered. "Cool down a while."
"Thanks Lucy," I managed. "I thought I was a goner."
"Nah," said Lucifer. "I wouldn't let that happen."
I gave him my ‘oh Yeah' look. You messed with my car, didn't
you?" I accused.
Lucy snickered as only he can.
"Yeah, I thought so," I said. "You showing up right
them was no coincidence."
"Come on Willie. I was just having a little fun."
"Fun for you maybe. What about me? How the Hell, you should
pardon the expression, am I ever gonna get out a here now?"
"Ah, don't worry about it, Willie. I'll take care a your
car. It'll run when you're ready."
I calmed down a bit. "For sure?" I demanded.
"For sure, Willie. You know I don't take prisoners. I only
work on contract. You gotta take my deal before I take you in."
That was true enough. I didn't personally know of anyone in Hell
who hadn't earned his right to be there.
"Well, I sure never took your deal," I grinned. "No
hard feelings?"
"Heck no, Willie. I got plenty a clients, but the deal is
always open if you should reconsider."
"Fat chance," I laughed.
Lucy laughed too as he went to his frig and pulled out a couple
of Heineken. He popped the tops and handed one to me. I sucked
on it gratefully.
"Damn good," I gasped after a long pull.
"You bet," said Lucy "Now, if you aren't here to
deal what brings yo up here?"
"Well, Lucy" I mused, "I was just thinking about
how it all started."
"What a you mean, Willie?"
"Way back then," I replied. "First there was God."
"Yeah."
"Then there was you guys, the Angels."
"Right so far."
"You were on top back then," I said. "One of the
favorites."
Lucy looked wistful and I thought I detected a small tear in his
eye.
"Yeah," he whispered. "I still remember."
He turned his back on me.
"Hey Lucy," I said softly. "It ain't none a my
business. I'm out a line. I'm sorry, pal."
"Hey, it's okay," he said turning back with a wry smile.
"About time, I talked about it. Been a long time."
"What happened," I prompted softly.
"Well, you were right. I was top dog, so to speak. I loved
God with everything in me. I worshiped him and only him."
"And then," I prompted.
"God made you guys," rasped Lucy.
"Us guys?"
"Humans, damn humans."
"I guess he did all right. That's how the story goes,"
I offered.
"It's true all right."
"What changed then? What did we cause, Lucy?"
"God says I gotta bow down to you guys, worship you like
you're God."
"No crap?" I asked.
"Crap all right" said Lucy angrily. "Real crap.
I couldn't do it. I loved God and only God. I couldn't bow down
to anyone else no matter what he said."
"You disobeyed God!" I said with shock.
"I did!"
"Holy mackerel," I gasped. "That must a really
torqued him."
"You know it," whispered Lucifer.
"What did he do?"
"Just one thing. He told me to go to Hell."
"So here you are."
"So here I am," said Lucy sadly.
"Gee, Lucy, I'm sorry," I managed.
"It's okay, Willie. I'm here and I make do. I get plenty
a victims. I get some laughs now and then."
"It ain't the same though," I added.
"No, Willie. It ain't the same. I was disenfranchised, excommunicated,
given the boot. I got no home. I can't go home."
"Yeah," I whispered.
"Yeah, but I do have one advantage," he grinned.
I smiled, "What?"
"I don't gotta bow down to the likes a you," he roared.
"I can dig it," I laughed.
After that Lucy cheered up a bit. I guess it helped him to unload
about it. We had a few more beers, then Lucy was as good as is
word. He had one of his imps bring my car around and it was running
like a top. Even so, I vowed it would be a cold day in Hell when
I visited him again.
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