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Gaffer Variety:
Other Lands 027:
By Willie Gaffer:
February 13, 2006
There is a another Middle Eastern country we did not even know about. It is tucked in the hills between Pakistan, Afghanistan, and the lost Jewish community of Liebermanistan. The name of the country is Beeristan and they have developed a new insidious strategy to outsmart the United States. They have developed a particularly virulent variety of hops called poppyhops. They intend to make a very potent beer with these hops and sell it in America for a nickle a quart. When all of America is addicted to this beverage and other beer companies have been put out of business, they will begin to withhold it. Then they will demand unconditional surrender to restore the flow.
Our government will, of course, refuse without realizing the consequences. The fact is we will not be able to have any major league sporting events. Not many people know these events are dependent upon the sale of beer to make them seem exciting. In fact they are as boring as any other repetitive repertoire of learned behaviors. Once the sports fans among us notice this, attendance will fall dramatically. Then the big time owner political contributors will demand we surrender and the government will have to cave in.
That is when the Beeristanis will pull their final coup. Just before we surrender to them, they will surrender to us. Then we will be obliged to give them aid and support them for eternity. They will get fat off of American largess and we will get all the poppyhop beer we want. The only good thing in all of this is Congress will begin to function better. When they begin drinking this beverage and eating congressional bean soup they will have to get things done quickly. The chambers where they work will become too odoriferous to stay in them long. It will be even worse than normal.
Liebermanistan is another unusual case. This is a historical thing. Many religious folks know that Abraham booted Ishmael out of the tent when Isaac was born. Ishmael then went off on his own and became the patriarch of the 12 Arab tribes. That is the story. So far, so good. What many folks don't know is that Isaac also had an illegitimate son born of his wife's maidservant. It's the old familiar pattern. His name was Stan Lieberman.
Well, it seems Stan did not have quite as many followers as Ishmael. He had a few, but not near enough to form twelve more tribes. It was a shame, but he had no choice except to wander off into the badlands with his few faithful followers. Eventually the group got lost, but they kept on wandering until they came upon a small valley tucked into the hills between China and Beeristan. It was definitely not the land of milk and honey, but there was some grazing land for a few goats and sheep, so they settled down. This became the legendary lost Jewish community of Libermanistan.
Well, years went by and they kept waiting for the Messiah, but it was no go. The guy just never showed up. Generation after generation of Libermanistanis continued to tend the flocks, till the land, and wait. Then, one day a special person was born. He was given the name of Joe and he grew into a healthy, but thoughtful young man. He kept reading the scriptures and wondering about the promised land. He dreamed of the land of milk an honey that was promised to Abraham those many years ago.
One day, he could stand it n longer and he set out to find this fabulous land. Joe did not take his wife's maidservant along. He had heard the stories and he knew what could happen when a maidservant was handy. Joe's ancestor, Stan was not one to keep records and no news got through to them ever. Hence, there was no real history to be reference, just the old stories. Joe had no way of knowing that Abe had already occupied the Promised land and subdued it. He had no way of knowing the promised land had been a war zone since Abe took it over.
So, one day Joe topped a hill in the Golan Heights and looked
out toward Israel and the sea. He saw fortifications and people
with guns and cannons and all kinds of machines of war. He saw
soldiers everywhere. There was no milk or honey anywhere to be
seen.
"Crap," blurted Joe. "This sure ain't it."
He had no choice but to continue his search, not realizing that
there was no land of milk and honey to find. Finally he ran out
of savings and good will. He had to find work so he signed up
as an able bodied seaman on a Bolivian freighter. That is how
he finally fetched up in Bridgeport Connecticut.
He looked around and said, "This can't be it either."
However, Joe was tired of travel an disappointment so he decided
he would just settle in Connecticut. After all, there was a very
good deli in Bridgeport and New York and Washington were not that
far away. What else could a good man want.
"This may not be it," said Joe, "but it's not bad.
Maybe I can just settle here and go into politics."
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