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Gaffer Variety:
In the Cave 039:
By Willie Gaffer:
May 8, 2006:
Once upon a time, many centuries ago, a man named Mohammed,
who was a camel driver by trade, got tired. Even though he was
reasonably wealthy and the work had it's glamorous moment, there
was all that heavy lifting and the constant haranguing with the
customers. This was to say nothing of tramping through all of
that camel dung every day. Walking behind a camel was not exactly
like walking through a rose garden. So, Mohammed made a decision.
"I shall quit this mundane money grubbing existence,"
he said, "and devote myself to the spiritual life."
Thus it was that Mohammed hied himself off to a cave in the mountains
to meditated and cleanse his soul. There he settled down to a
routine of fasting, prayer, and meditation. It was in this cave
one night during the ninth month of the year that Mohammed because
of his fasting fell into a sleep that was like a trance. At that
time, the angel Gabriel came to him and spoke.
Gabriel said, "recite!"
"Say what?" queried Mohammed.
This exchange went on three times and finally the exasperated
angel said, "Recite in the name of your lord who created,
crated man from clots of blood."
Well, that got Mohammed's attention and he sat up and recited.
Then Gabe, said, "Recite! Your lord is the Most Bountiful
One, who by the pen taught man what he did not know."
After that, Mohammed woke up, but the words he had heard from
Gabe were engraved on his heart.
There were a lot more words from Gabe after that and poor Mohammed
had no choice. He had to memorize them. What follows is just a
part of the exchange, but a very important part.
"Okay, listen up,"said Gabe. "I don't want to have
to repeat this over and over again."
"I'm listening," assured Mohammed.
"Okay, now here is the deal. You worship no one but Allah
and only Allah. Don't forget that."
"Got it," said Mohammed. "No one but Allah."
"Right Mo. Do you mind if I call you Mo?"
"Not at all Gabe. Do you mind if I call you Gabe?"
"Go right ahead Mo. That's fine. Now, here's the up side
for you. You worship no one but Allah, but you get to be second
banana. You'll be the big honcho on earth. You can go out and
tell these people that. There is no God but Allah and Mohammed
is his prophet. Got it?"
"I got it Gabe. Oh boy do I got it. I get to be the big guy
on earth."
"Right, but that's a responsibility too. You got to spread
the word. Allah has selected you to spread the word. You got to
spread it all over everything, like camel dung."
"No sweat Gabe. I'll preach the word till hell freezes over,
you should pardon the expression."
"Swell, Mo. Just make sure you get it right this time. If
you get it wrong again this will be the last go round. This is
the third time you know."
"Say what?"
"You heard it right, Mo. First, the Jews got it mixed up
so Allah sent Jesus to clean up the mess. It didn't work. The
Christians decide they could just worship Jesus. And kind of let
Allah be a second thought. I'm here to tell you, Jesus was just
the messenger not a God. That's where the Christians screwed up.
Those suckers got it wrong. Now you get the last shot. You better
get it right!"
"For sure," said Mohammed. "I'll spread the word.
There is no God but Allah."
"And you are just his messenger, Mo. Don't forget that. A
messenger, not a God."
"Count on me, Gabe. I won't forget my place."
"Okay, now her is the down side for the fools who don't listen
to you or don't believe you are the Messenger. Allah will take
care of them personally. Listen to what Allah says about this."
"Oh man! What evil has enticed you from your gracious Lord,
who created and proportioned you, and molded your body to his
will?
"Yes, you deny the Last Judgement. Yet there are guardians
watching over you, noble recorders who know of al your actions.
"The righteous shall surely dwell in bliss. But the wicked
shall burn in Hell-fire upon the Judgement-day; they shall not
escape."
"Oh boy," said Mohammed. "I sure won't forget that.
I want to be on the good side of Allah."
"For now, Mo, you are on the good side. Allah has selected
you. All you gotta do is spread the word and remember you are
the messenger."
"I can do that, Gabe."
"It is well that you do, for there is an upside for you when
you do."
"Like what?" asked Mohammed.
"Like a big time reward in heaven, Mo."
"I'm for that. What are the rewards."
"Well, first off, you will have bevies of young virgins awaiting
your beck-and-call. These are the Houris that Allah has created
for you."
"Whoop-de-do, Gabe. For sure?"
"Angels don't lie, MO."
"For sure," said Mohammed. "Boy! All them virgins
just waiting to be banged. Man, with a deal like that we can con
young kids into blowing themselves to hell, you should pardon
the expression. Just think, all them whores just waiting to be
banged."
"Not whores, Mo, Houris. Beautiful young virgins created
by Allah especially for this service."
"Oh yeah! Whatever. I'll be right at home there."
"That's not all, Mo. You also get all of the food you want,
served to you anytime by young boys and all of the wine you want
anytime you want it."
"Holy mackerel!"
"And there's more, Mo."
"More? What more?"
"You get to live in a swell garden spot and you get soft
couches to recline on and you don't gotta do squat. You just take
it easy all the time."
"Oh man, I'm gonna love this place, Gabe. I'm gonna love
it."
"Okay, now here's the clincher. While you are laying around
in paradise, and all the unbelievers are taking their punishments,
you get to mock them. You can jeer them all you want while the
meat is burning off of their bones."
"Oh man. That's so cool. I love it. Sign me up Gabe."
"You are signed up, Mo. You are it. All you have to do is
remember one thing. Tell me what yo have to remember."
"Ah - ah - ah, I forgot. What do I gotta remember, Gabe?"
"Crap Mo! I told you twice already. You gotta remember, Allah
is God and you are his messenger."
"Oh yeah, sure. I remember that."
Gabe, shaking his head snarled, "Say it, MO. Say it."
"Oh yeah, Gabe. Allah is God and I am is messenger."
"Don't forget it, Mo."
"I won't forget, Gabe."
"Okay, maybe you got it. Now get out there and spread the
word. I gotta be getting back."
As he traveled back to heaven, Gabriel was muttering to himself.
"He's gonna blow it. I know he is, just like the others.
It just ain't gonna work."
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