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The Gaffer's Philosophy:
Part 46: Child Welfare:
Abuse and Nurturing:
April 14, 2003:
One part of child nurturing that often gets quietly ignored is
the matter of bad behavior. Dealing with a youngster's bad behavior
is a very real part of child welfare. We cannot pretend it does
not happen. Allowing a child to develop bad behavior patterns
is also a form of abuse. When these patterns of behavior get carried
into adult life they will result in personal failure of one form
or another. In the worst case they could result in criminal activity.
Therefore, we must acknowledge antisocial behavior and handle it in a growth promoting way. We don't do this with a paddle or a belt to the backside. For the record, physical response to antisocial behavior in children is a clear admission of our failure as a parent. If that is the best we can do, we should consider turning the child over to emotionally healthy people. There are much better methods of controlling bad behavior.
First, let's look at causes. When a child behaves badly there is always a reason for it. It could be as simple as testing for limits. Like all of us, children need boundaries of all kinds. There are physical, intellectual, and emotional boundaries that move away from us as we grow. One thing a healthy child will always do is probe and search for those limits. This is healthy. It's part of how we grow. It is also dangerous, so we need to pay attention to it.
What we as parents must do is help the youngster to locate the boundaries. Then, as they grow, we must encourage then to push their envelope. We must challenge them in a none confrontational way to grow. Sometimes, the child will go too far. They will do something unacceptable. When they do, our task is to correct them with a minimum of ego damage. What we don't want to do is respond so harshly that we discourage curiosity.
Another reason for bad behavior is the child's tendency to emulate adult behavior. They will use us and others as examples of how to act. If we or someone in our environment behaves in unacceptable ways, it is very likely that our kids will ape that behavior. This is the main way that children learn to cuss. When we discover unacceptable behavior in our child, we should make sure we or our friends have not been the model for it.
If so, it may be necessary for us to change our own behavior. In that case, we must be honest about explaining the situation to the youngster. "What I did was wrong. I should not have done it. I will not do it again. I do not want you to do it again either." We also need to explain why the behavior is wrong. We should always credit our kids with the ability to understand.
With kids as with adults, we will also encounter those natural human behaviors, desire and selfishness. If a kid sees something he wants, he is likely to take it. He is not likely to see the down side of doing that. The same is true of sharing. He is not likely to understand the up side of doing that. These are long term things and a growing kid sees life in the short term.
Taking a long term view is something we must teach our children. Deferred gratification is a complex concept. It is difficult to grasp. It must be because many adults have never got it. We can explain it, but we also have to live it. We must understand ourselves that sharing, supporting our community, and respecting others is enlightened self interest. We must make sure we set the example of doing what is right. The long term benefits far outweigh the short term benefits of bad behavior. Like all other issues, the kids will eventually learn it if we live it.
Another part of the nurturing process is about discipline. As thoughtful adults we know we can't have everything. Rights and rewards are linked to responsibility. It is never too young to learn this. We are born with certain implicit responsibilities to our family, community, and world. There are responsibilities that can be abdicated, but never escaped. Our world, community, and family will only be viable to the extent that we honor them. This should be obvious to all adults, but even our leaders ignore the reality of these facts daily. A great deal of Americas grief is a direct result of this ignor-ance.
As we interact with people we will also make explicit commitments. These must also be honored if our interpersonal relationships are to be health. We must make this very clear to our kids even though our leaders set horrible examples. In the end, we earn rights and rewards by keeping our commitments. Responsibility comes first. Rights and rewards grow out of that. We must teach that to our kids and set the example for them.
These ideas of discipline, sharing, and deferring gratification are about our core social values. It is never too soon to start exposing the kids to them. They are complex concepts that need to be developed over time. Social values are not something we understand at birth. We come to understand how the universe works as we gain experience in life. Our core values will only make sense from the perspective of that experience.
We must begin the task of explaining these values in the home. If the kids get to school without that grounding it will be too late. The teachers can only be a moral guide if there is already a basic grounding in our cultural value system. If it begins in the home, the school can carry it forward. We are talking about the core value system that makes a community a functional entity instead of a gang of people. If we fail to get this through to the kids we will never have community.
Now the in home nurturing that I advocate is sure to cause some problems for our kids. One of the problems I foresee is the dramatic change when kids go from a very nurturing home into a classic school such as we have now. Kids that get encouraged to be creative in the home may quite possibly get beat up for that in the classic school of our current system. They may get put down for asking questions and being curious.
That will happen because what we call education now in not really education. It is operant conditioning and depends upon a controlled environment. Any deviation from the controlling situation, such as asking questions, will disrupt the process. That is likely to frustrate the teacher. It may cause the questioning kid to be suppressed or ridiculed. In the extreme case, it could cause physical retaliation.
Perhaps there was a time long ago when it seemed that operant conditioning and rote learning were the best things a culture could do for itself as far as its children were concerned. It seemed that way, but it has never been true. Ultimately it must lead to cultural atrophy, when the citizens lose their ability to adapt to an ever changing universe. Conditioned responses are not adaptive in any way. They are uncreative. They are dead. We can do better than that.
Next time, I will begin with the how of doing better than operant
conditioning and rote learning.Back
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