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The Gaffer's Philosophy:
Part 53: Child Welfare:
Damaged kids:
June 2, 2003:
Continuing with the education plan:
It is sure, when we begin our new educational program, we will be handed a large number of damaged kids. There will be so many at first that we may not even notice this. We may think of these kids as normal. We should never let go of this truth. Child abuse is so common in all cultures that we don't even think of it as abuse. We see it as normal, but it is not. It is inhuman and an extreme drag on human evolution. It should not be normal to abuse helpless people. It should be a crime.

In school the damage will always show up as behavioral problems. The easiest of these to identify are the antisocial behaviors. The much more difficult problem is to properly identify the so called precocious child. The true precocious child is an extreme rarity. The students will usually have a more accurate description for most of them. Brown-nose or suck-up will be the words they will use. These are the kids who have learned early on that conforming and pleasing authority is rewarded. Our teachers must learn to understand this as aberrant behavior.

This requires a sensitive adult in the position of teacher guide. The suck-up kids will design to flatter the teacher. Lesser teachers will be flattered and mistake the behavior. They will tend to see the child as precocious rather than a kid with a suppressed ego. Then we may get the teacher's pet syndrome to the determent of the teacher, the child, and the other students. The real problem with these kids is they are learning how to work the system. Without intervention they will tend to become sociopaths.

There are really not very many thoughtful intelligent people in the world. In education they are about as common as hens teeth. I suspect most of the really superior ones are in industry struggling with neanderthal management. At least they will get paid well in that situation. The real bottom line is there just are not very many people who even approach being superior. In education we especially need superior people to step up and take charge. Then we need to begin the process of creating more superior people. We do that through education.

In beginning school, if kids have serious behavioral problems we must move them out of the main stream until the problems are corrected. We must take care of these emotionally damaged kids, but we cannot let a handful of special cases disrupt the development of all the others. We must take them out of the normal flow. We must give them special treatment and try to heal them. Only when they are healed can we return them to the main flow. We cannot try to control recurrent behavioral problems in the normal environment. It is too disruptive for the normal kids.

This does not mean we put the damaged kids into a box and close the lid. We cannot just control them until we are rid of them. We must make real efforts to help them. The first step is to find out what is wrong. Each damaged kid is a special case and should be so treated. This will require a large investment, but is must be done. We will have to make the investment anyway. Whether we do it early or late is the only question. Do we want to heal kids or build prisons and institutions for adults? The goal should always be to turn the kid back into a creative genius. Yes, a tax paying creative genius.

As to cost, we must make every effort to hold those who did the damage accountable. In the best case, the parents can be fined and sent through behavioral modification therapy at their own expense. Now, I will say the unthinkable. In the worst case, we must consider preventing the perpetrators from producing more kids to be damaged. Don't talk to me about the morality or ethics of it when you are trying te defend a father or mother who has systematically turned their own child into a sociopath. Spare me!

Some people should not have children. Unfortunately, these are the very ones who will have a lot of children. The instinct-focused self-centered thoughtless ones. We must take kids away from abusive parents, imprison or sterilize women who insist on having more children than they can care for, make the fathers pay, and get out of the cycle of child abuse. The bottom line is stop the cycle. Then challenge the kids to satisfy their natural curiosity. Given the space and guidance they will heal and learn.

I repeat, we must stop the systematic abusing of kids in the home before we get them. We must prevent that, even if it means imprisoning people, sterilizing them, and taking their kids away. We must do whatever is necessary. Being a fit parent is not all that difficult. It has nothing to do with intelligence. It has to do with caring. Some people should not be parents because they care so much about their own selves that they have nothing left for their offsprings. Those are the facts.

As to stopping the cycle, part of that lies in healing the damaged kids. Whatever level of therapy is necessary must be brought to bear on the situation. The one thing we must never do is use drugs to control the kids. That is beyond evil. Control is not the goal. Healing is the goal. We want to return the kids to the normal educational environment and encourage their natural creative behavior.

For the healing, we will need professional therapists to help us, but the teacher guides can also be instrumental in the process. For that we can borrow some concepts from Maslow, Rogers, and others. First is the simple idea of positive regard. We think of the kid as having value in his own right. This value is not based on achievement, but is intrinsic in being human. Every human has value and we must communicate that to the child through our behavior. "You are valuable."

We must create the environment which assures the child that we really believe that. We cannot fake this. The child while not an intellect is sensitive to body language. He will see through our bull-crap before we finish our first sentence. The person implementing these concepts must believe in children and love children. For all of these damaged kids, love and personal attention are the biggest things they have been short changed on. They need it desperately.

To understand this, we must look at the world through the perceptual pinhole of the youngster. We are not dealing with an adult abstract thinker. The young child only knows what is happening. He does not know about intent or belief, unless these are conveyed through body language or voice inflection.

The point is, especially for a child, saying it does not make it true. To make a child know they are loved, the message must be delivered to their level of intellect. That means physically and visually. We hope that our child will grow up to be a super, thoughtful intellect. That's great, but it comes later. In the first few years we must communicate through the physical senses.

Once we establish that environment, we can begin to encourage the child to express himself. We can expect to see grief, anger, even rage as the child feels safe in letting go of the painful feelings. For many adults, this is the most difficult part of the nurturing process. Emotional support is mostly listening. It requires us to listen to reactions which are, at best, unnerving. Anger, fear, and crying are tough on adults who are conditioned to think of them as weak or negative behaviors. The tendency is to interrupt them. We want to talk the victim out of their reaction.

My advice is, let them react. Grit your teeth if necessary, but let the response go to completion. Meanwhile, give soothing words of understanding along with gentle physical contact when appropriate. Hugs are usually fine. Pounding on the back is not. It is, in fact, a subconscious interruption of the reaction. Any pounding, shaking, or pooh-poohing is an interruption of the process.

With practice we can learn to support negative emotional response when necessary. It will become easier when we notice the result. If we support the reaction, we will find that it ends earlier. Also, it will really be over. There will be no residual emotional damage.

I have discussed this before, but we can look at it again. What are some of the sources of emotional damage which we can guard against? The truth is, many of them are simple things that we don't even think about. Let me elaborate.

Anything we do with or to another human which diminishes them in any way is an emotional trauma. There is no such thing as a kindly jab. I fully know and realize that most situation comedy is bases on exactly that kind of behavior. It is thought to be funny. In real life, it is anything but funny. The victim may laugh it off, but there is residual damage.

These put downs, when repeated over time, can create a very negative self image in a developing human. There will be a build up of resentment and pain. This will effect the person's behavior and effectiveness in their productive years. They will be less than a genius and that is a waste. Don't put a kid down. Don't ever put any kid down and don't ever allow other people to do it. Protect the kids against that the same as you would protect them against a pedophile.

Here are some things you should never say, or allow to be said, to a kid in your care.

Who do you think you are?
Where were you when the brains were passed out?
Hey, mister big shot!
Don't be such a dummy!
You ain't pretty, but you're my kid!
Go play on the expressway!

There are many others, but that makes the point. Briefly, anything you say to or about a kid which causes adults to chuckle is probably a put down of the kid. If you want to nurture a genius, don't do it. Spare the kid the cheap shot. There is no reason to not produce a genius.
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