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About Kids:
October 28, 2002:
We should be really careful about what we say to and about our
children because they will make it come true. I know for sure
that mothers brand their children through what the say about them.
I have personal experience. My mother had six kids that lived.
She branded every one of them, including me. She did it by saying
the same things over and over again. As kids, we heard these things,
and wishing to please the "witch-mother," we tried to
make them come true.
One phase she used often is, "She is the reliable one." That particular sister spent her whole life being an adviser, caretaker, midwife, and witch-doctor to many other people. When she came to the final days of her life, she suddenly realized she had not cared for herself. She had given it all to others. She was suddenly asking, "Is that all there is?" She had not realized her own potential, which I believe was enormous. She died a very disappointed and angry woman.
Another phase my mother used day after day is, "He is a good boy." That particular brother was just that. He became an Eagle Scout and he kept his things in order. He saved up and bought his own trumpet. He Ironed his own trousers and did everything a good little boy should. In addition, when he grew up and got married, he became a deacon in his church. He was better off when he died because he really had been a good boy all of his life. I have no idea what that cost him in terms of stress. I do know he was harshly judgmental of people who were dishonest or shirked their responsibility in any way, even more so that Willie Gaffer.
Of another sister, mom used to say, "She is the spiteful one." Well, she sure made that come true. She spent most of her life in smoldering anger. Age did not mellow her a bit. She was angry with and at everything excepting a handful of people, which, thankfully, included me. Why I was excluded from her wrath, I have no idea. I do not know if she was still angry when she died, but she was angry the last time I communicated with her a few months before her death.
I will not speak much of what mom did to her other children. I suspect the ones still living would not appreciate these revelation. I will simply address what she did to and for me. I was the one who lucked out. Instead of a curse, I got permission to be clever. Of me she used to say, "He is a little devil." Think about what that means. A devil must be thoughtful, diabolical, evasive, shrewd, a little mean, but, above all, clever, with flinty little eyes.
As a result, a great deal of the cultural conditioning which is laid on other kids did not rub off on me. It was still laid on, but it did not take. I was required, by the witch-mother's decree, to be clever. I needed to question and examine everything. While my siblings were going to church, being good little Christians, I was simply pretending to be a good little Christian. A devil, by definition, cannot be a Christian.
The upshot of this effort to be clever is that, at age seventy-two, my mind still works. I do not wish to claim that my mind is extraordinary. It simply has not been as severely damaged as most others. So much of our early training and conditioning is about obedience and conformity it amazes me that adults can think at all. The rule we normally impose on kids is no independent thoughts allowed.
Contrary to that normal situation, I have got to this point where I can still think because I had permission from my mother to think. She said I was a little devil. She did not realize it herself, but that was permission to be clever. I think that is a large part of the reason that I still enjoy being creative. It's why I still write and build things. I never got dull minded and joined the rocking chair rodeo and I never will.
In addition to branding them and conditioning them to obey authority, another really bad thing we do to our kids is put them down. I don'‘t know how many times I heard the phrase, "Mr big shot," from various adults when I was a kid. Yet people still do it. My God, don't you remember how bad that made you feel? I do!
That is just one phrase. There are hundreds of them used every day to keep kids in line. Who do you thing you are? Look what you made me do. Now you've done it! Shut your fool mouth! Shame on you. Well, you got what you deserved. My mother's favorite was, "Some day I'm just going to go away and never come back." Think about the effect that has on a totally dependent and vulnerable kid.
It is not just the words. Even the way we look at kids can
have a devastating effect. I remember the principal in grade school.
He was very tall and he would stand with arms folded across his
chest. Then he would very deliberately tilt his head and look
down his long mean nose at the little kids who came before him.
I can tell you, it was terrifying. Let's try to remember, that
we are giants and kids are midgets, physically and emotionally.
I think it's time for us adults to grow up.
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